Stay free

I hoped it wouldn’t come to this.

But in anticipation of not liking the results of October’s municipal election, I have made the painful decision to form a “Walters Street Freedom Now” party and will be officially separating from the municipality of Kawartha Lakes.

Well, not all of Walters Street, of course. Just the five houses on my bend of the street. The fact that four of the five houses are against my proposal is irrelevant. This is all about me, baby.

I’m not one to brag, but an insane leader of a world superpower has offered to fund my campaign as another attempt to divide the country. Well, there is a good chance, at least, after my donation is accepted.

I have been in contact with my freedumb friends, too. I don’t like to threaten, but there are possibly two people with beat-up, sticker-covered pickups adorned with torn Canadian flags ready to wear out their horns in protest. We belong to the same Facebook group, and let me tell you, we are angry. We have done our research. And we have the receipts.

Yes, I take solace in the fact that the first mayoral candidate out of the gate supports oil pipelines, but I fear he is just not going to make this a priority in his campaign. He’s all about helping the developers (and guaranteeing higher municipal costs in the future). And the developers don’t want me creating a mini oil refinery in my backyard. There’s an F-word for this. I won’t say it, because I don’t want to go to Facebook jail. Again.

So, my plan is to scream my freaking lungs out about how there is no democracy while I refuse to accept the results of a democratic process. If you don’t understand this, I’m afraid the Deep State has gotten to you, and you may be beyond help.

And yes, I’m going to demand more municipal services while I await my referendum. Because that is my right as a taxpayer. And all of my taxes should support only me. And no, I have zero plans to repay or buy the infrastructure that will become part of my republic.

Sadly, I will have to resist my hypergraphia, lest my message be confused with another local protester. But it’s not like he invented the bullhorn or spray paint, for that matter.

And anyone who is opposed to the pipeline I am planning to build from my backyard, through historic downtown Lindsay and other “generational properties,” is against progress and probably a communist. I will not be using any Liberal rail corridor either, because I do not need any facts or analysis to know that it is corrupt, and my opinion is irrefutable on this.

I will blame that entire manifesto on a severe case of sleep-writing and offer my sincere apologies, but before I wake up, let me wish you all a wonderful end to spring and a beautiful beginning to summer!