All alone

How community, routine, and small gestures can help combat loneliness

Lisa Hart had always lived at home with her parents, but in 2021 her dad died, and a year and a half later so did her mom. For the first time in her life, she was alone.

“All of a sudden, the girl who would have loved to have spent a whole day all to herself was all alone, and she had days and days and days to herself,” Hart says.

While she does have several friends and family members, they all have their own things going on. For Hart, there’s a feeling of guilt in what she sees as “bugging” her friends. “You might be lonely in the evening, and you say, ‘Oh well, I’ll call a girlfriend,’” she said. “But then you start thinking that ‘she’s got to be getting so sick of hearing from me and my drama.’ And you end up not calling.”

Hart is not alone in her loneliness. Data collected by Statistics Canada in 2024 show that it’s not only older adults who have experienced loneliness. Seventeen per cent of those aged 15-24 said they always or often felt lonely, compared to 14 per cent of those aged 25-54, 11 per cent of those aged 55-64 and 10 per cent of those over 65. Moreover, research from Women’s College Hospital found that loneliness is linked to poor mental health, increased depression, memory loss, and higher rates of chronic diseases.

“Back in 2021 in the midst of the heart of (the) pandemic, the World Health Organization declared loneliness a global pandemic,” says Jack Veitch, manager of community engagement and education at the Canadian Mental Health Association Haliburton, Kawartha and Pine Ridge.

But what is at the root of loneliness, and what is being done to mitigate its effects in our community?

Loss and Loneliness

The Rev. Glenn Kukkola, who began his ministry at St. Andrew’s Presbyterian Church in Lindsay this past summer, describes loneliness as the byproduct of anything that negatively changes one’s connection to their community. This can range from divorce to unemployment, from loss of mobility to assorted health challenges. “People tend to withdraw from church and community when they experience loss,” Kukkola tells the Advocate. “It affects their self-esteem and self-worth.”

Loneliness can be especially palpable for caregivers as they navigate the realities of adjusting to life with someone who has experienced loss – whether physically or cognitively. “My husband of 41 years died in 2023, and for the last five years of his life he was home-bound, and his mobility was very limited,” says Janet Currie. “I got out very little during this period and was experiencing cabin fever. As a caregiver, I felt isolated because I couldn’t leave my husband alone for very long.”

Personal heath challenges brought loneliness into sharp focus for Hart when she was diagnosed with uterine cancer and spent seven months off work. During that time, she had friends and family who would drive her to and from appointments but come nighttime she was left alone.

“There were days where I would give anything for somebody to say: ‘Hey, we had a roast last night; would you like me to drop some leftovers off?’” Hart recalls. In her experience, people hold fast to the idea that they always have to do big things when interacting with someone who is lonely. “You don’t have to entertain me. You don’t have to do anything special. Just having another person around for a few hours is such an amazing relief,” Hart says.

Logging Out and Getting Out

And ideally, having another person around shouldn’t require a smartphone or a computer. Despite the proliferation of communication tools such as Facebook Messenger and Zoom, loneliness can’t be alleviated merely by logging in. Indeed, Kukkola is especially concerned as a minister about the impact of social media and internet usage on people of all ages, and how these things may well be exacerbating the problem of loneliness.

During the COVID-19 pandemic, for example, many churches (including St. Andrew’s) began offering services online. While this was a useful and necessary tool during the stay-at-home directives of 2020-2022, Kukkola questions the wisdom of becoming overly dependent on technology to foster and sustain community – especially among the lonely. “We should be taking community to them by taking communion to them,” he says, emphasizing the importance of celebrating the eucharist – the church’s holy meal – with people where they are, rather than doing so virtually through a computer screen.

Kukkola’s observations are not only for those of the faith community. They are echoed by Ryan Alexander, CEO of Community Care City of Kawartha Lakes.

“Through programs like Friendly Visiting, Meals on Wheels, Diners Clubs, or transportation services, we’re helping people feel supported and connected,” Alexander says of his organization. “This could be a friendly conversation over a cup of tea, a warm meal delivered to a client’s door, or a ride that makes it possible to get out and participate in the community. It’s often so much more than just a conversation, a meal, or a ride. It’s about creating moments of connection.”

Checking In 

Creating those moments of connection can start with something as simple as checking in on the lonely. Though it is accepted that families will regularly check in on elderly parents and grandparents, Hart worries that there isn’t that same push to check in on everyone else – particularly those who aren’t considered seniors or who are otherwise part of a vulnerable sector.

“If I fell down the stairs into the basement on a Saturday night, I may be lying there until Monday morning because nobody would miss me,” she says. Having a day job, Hart knows that her boss would be concerned if she didn’t show up for work – but otherwise there aren’t a lot of people checking in on her.

Veitch wants to make it clear that checking in doesn’t just mean talking on the phone to someone for an hour. “Knock on the neighbour’s door to invite them out for a walk. The fact that somebody thought of you, that’s going to benefit their mental health and wellness – and it doesn’t mean we have to take on the responsibility of being the caretaker of the community,” he says.

This thinking has in recent years been embraced by the Canadian Union of Postal Workers. In 2023, the union endorsed a report issued by the National Institute on Ageing (NIA) titled Special Delivery: How Canadian Postal Workers Could Better Enable Ageing in the Right Place.

Pointing to similar programs in France, Japan, and on the island of Jersey, in the English Channel, the report noted that letter carriers are ideally suited to conduct regular wellness checks on those living alone. Though changes being implemented in Canada’s postal service may well see door-to-door mail delivery superseded by community mailboxes, the NIA report pointed out that those who have requested delivery accommodation services from Canada Post (including mail being delivered directly to the doors of those with mobility challenges) “also represent potentially ideal candidates for the sort of check-in services under consideration in this paper.”

Sustaining Connection and Community

One thing that Hart, 55, has noticed is there are not a lot of events happening in Kawartha Lakes for people her age. She’s found that events happening during the week tend to happen during the day and are targeted towards seniors, and events happening on weekends are geared more to children and families. Hart hopes that more events can be organized for people like her. She suggests something as simple as a social hour – and something convenient that makes it easy for people to go to. “I went for a fall walk with a girlfriend,” Hart tells the Advocate. “I drove for 45 minutes to go for a walk and drove 45 minutes home. It’s not convenient.”

For Currie, whose loneliness was exacerbated on account of being a caregiver and in the aftermath of her husband’s death, the programming offered by Community Care has meant the world to her. She got involved with their Cooking for One program and from there joined a craft club and later signed up for exercise classes. “We spend time together,” Currie says of this newfound community. “These programs helped me meet a whole lot of new people, and I now volunteer at Community Care.”

Asked what the church can do to mitigate the effects of loneliness both within and outside of its walls, Kukkola, the Presbyterian minister, is succinct in answering. Churches, he says, must “assume that everybody is experiencing some level of loneliness” – however invisible it might be. The role of the church, he adds, is to “create space to come and find connection, to foster a message that upholds people’s worth, and to foster good habits of living.” The latter, Kukkola points out, includes finding practical and useful ways of engaging with people who might otherwise seek out community online rather than in person. The ecumenical soup kitchen hosted by St. Andrew’s is an example of how the church has sought to welcome vulnerable people as valued members of the community. “The church at its best is a place of belonging and comfort for the lonely,” Kukkola observes.

Public spaces have a key role to play in alleviating loneliness, says Veitch, of the CMHA.

“I look to our council to continue to promote those inclusive spaces, those libraries and community centres. I think the library is such an amazing resource we have in our community, where we have activities that are going on during the day, where there are groups that come together, where there is a chance to connect.”

In his reflection on the lost art of conversation earlier this year in the Advocate, Richard Gauder writes of the disappearance of the all-important “third place”—spots that aren’t home or work, “where people of diverse backgrounds and interests come together.”

“Think Cheers, the neighbourhood bar from TV. Community groups like Rotary, Kinsmen, and Lions clubs are seeing memberships dwindle. Church attendance is dropping too. So, where can we practice conversations beyond our immediate circles or tribes? The loss of these third places is becoming a real concern,” Gauder writes.

For Veitch, he says the most important thing is to find a sense of routine. It can be something as simple as “every morning this week, I’m going to go for a 10-minute walk before I start my day.”

And it is advice that Hart is taking to heart. “I have found that there is a reason solitary confinement is used as punishment – because it is punishing and emotionally draining,” she says, acknowledging that embracing simple routines and looking for connections are key to alleviating her own experiences with loneliness.  “I keep looking and I keep working to find new opportunities to socialize; for me, it’s just about breaking old patterns.”