Trevor’s Take: February is the worst month

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By Trevor Hutchinson

A graduate of the University of Toronto, Trevor Hutchinson is a songwriter, writer and bookkeeper. He serves as Contributing Editor at The Lindsay Advocate. He lives with his fiancee and their five kids in Lindsay.

If February is your favourite month, may you get all the counselling you need.

Oh my God. The last, and by last I mean the very very last thing I need in the entire freaking universe right now is another February.

February is the worst month of the year. This is a scientific fact that is beyond dispute. It sucks beyond all ability to measure and let’s face it: we have had a lot of bad to measure. In the two years that have seemed like 725 days of March 2020, only Februarys have managed to out-suck these other painful months.

Now, statistically, eight per cent of those reading this are thinking “February is not that bad. That’s my birthday month.” Well. no offence to those in this camp but your birthday month sucks. And deep down, I know you know that.

Where do I start? Even the spelling of the month is stupid. What does that first r do anyway? Only uptight people ever pronounce that. And the month doesn’t even have a constant number of days, meaning that every four years we are forced to endure an additional day of pain and suffering.

You know that extra weight that many of us put on at Christmas? You can’t walk it off in February because it is usually too freaking cold. That’s okay because you are probably too depressed anyway, having looked at your Christmas credit card bills which are due in early February. 

Some might say, “But February has Valentine’s Day!”

Oh my God. Stop it. You need help. I mean, let’s say your jam is celebrating Hallmark holidays with performative actions and clichéd gifts. Fine. I don’t get it, but fine. But why, for the love of all that is holy, would you want to celebrate capital-L LOVE during the most depressing time of year? And I don’t want a box of chocolates. You can literally still see on my body the Christmas chocolates I ate just one month ago.

And for those who are alone on Valentine’s Day? They get a giant middle finger from the rest of us because we are overcompensating for our depression by buying overpriced chocolate. Not to mention roses … at the depths of freaking winter!

It is hard to believe that February used to be even worse in Ontario. At least now we get the Family Day holiday, which can be, umm, okay. But that one day is more like a small reprieve while being waterboarded at Guantanamo. And no offence to my family, whom I love, but we had more than a few family days these last two years. I won’t say out loud that I need a non-family day, but I will think it. 

But to each their own, I guess. If February is your favourite month, may you get all the counselling you need. And whatever hell this month holds, may we all get through it safely. And quickly.

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